06.11.2025

i practically died for two days and there was nothing on the other side
you weren't there to take me home
what am i supposed to do now

15.07.2025

i invoke you

30.06.2025

and when i prayed for death i prayed it'd be by your hand
salvation in the form of bruises on my neck
one last breath before mercy

09.06.2025

tiled floors and walls covered in speckles of what was once inside her,
what brought colour to her cheeks and warmth to his bed

like red stars in a cold white sky,
constellations spell out secrets she couldn't tell

the things unheard and unseen by the world but never unknown by her
things so painfully real, she had to pretend they weren't

but what is she without the pain?
without scabs and bruises littering her body like words on a page,
written in haste by a lover, and then another, and another

13.06.2024

and so it rained for 40 days and 40 nights
it rained until the whole world flooded and i had no ground left to stand on
heaven could feel my pain and it showered me in it's understanding
god never told me to build an ark because there was no point
the weight of my solitude would have sunk the ship before it ever set sail

28.05.2024

i know that i've been saying this for years like a mantra, telling anyone who'll listen that i don't want to be here anymore, begging some higher power to take me out so i don't have to do it myself. i know to everyone else it's like the boy who cried wolf because i keep going through this cycle without choosing to end it, because i'm really scared of what happens when i step out of my pattern, what's going to happen when i don't have that comfort of familiarity anymore. i've been living on borrowed time trying to cling to anything to keep me from spinning out of my axis but it's not fair to anyone to get sucked into my atmosphere and get stuck down here on planet me. i don't want to cause more collateral damage than i already have and if i could i would rewind back to before things were said and done. coulda shoulda woulda. i've also come to the realization that i'm truly insignificant, and maybe things that mean so much to me actually mean nothing to others. maybe i see worth in things that are given away for free, i invest too many emotions and delude myself? but just because my reality differs from that of others does not make it any less real to me, it was real to me, i lived it, i felt it. i have lived through so many things and now i'm tired, i've been tired since forever and i want to rest. if i was a record player, this is the point where the music has stopped playing but the vinyl keeps spinning with the needle carving tracks in the middle. don't they know it's the end of the world? the needle is hurting me and the longer i let it go on, the more it'll hurt. still i can't pick it up and put it to the side myself, i need someone to do it for me. it's like i was waiting for a new song to start playing somehow, as if the record would invert on itself and play something i'd never heard before. i think i must have heard all of the songs already.

10.02.2024

as you phased me out of your life, i phased myself out of mine until there was nothing left of the girl i used to be.

23.01.2024

like i was a deer in headlights, you ran me over and left my entrails smeared in the aftermath of your touch
at first i couldn't even tell that i'd died, because it didn't hurt

it didn't hurt when you kept me secret,
because it meant i was yours to keep

it didn't even hurt when you pushed me away,
because i thought i knew you wouldn't really let me go

then i watched you hit another deer