26.03.2026

it's 03:33. now it's 04:04. i can never sleep at night anymore, my sleeping pills seem to have lost their effect. pulling all-nighters is not so great as a student. i missed a lecture because i was up until just an hour before i was supposed to leave home. obviously i didn't have the energy to attend. i have to drop out. started starving myself again, made some progress, lost a bit of weight. my scale doesn't work so i unfortunately am clueless about what my weight actually is at the moment. if i had to guess i'd say maybe 46 kg? which is too much. keep thinking about cosmetic surgery. need to fix my entire face. it's 04:20 now.

28.05.2024

i know that i've been saying this for years like a mantra, telling anyone who'll listen that i don't want to be here anymore, begging some higher power to take me out so i don't have to do it myself. i know to everyone else it's like the boy who cried wolf because i keep going through this cycle without choosing to end it, because i'm really scared of what happens when i step out of my pattern, what's going to happen when i don't have that comfort of familiarity anymore. i've been living on borrowed time trying to cling to anything to keep me from spinning out of my axis but it's not fair to anyone to get sucked into my atmosphere and get stuck down here on planet me. i don't want to cause more collateral damage than i already have and if i could i would rewind back to before things were said and done. coulda shoulda woulda. i've also come to the realization that i'm truly insignificant, and maybe things that mean so much to me actually mean nothing to others. maybe i see worth in things that are given away for free, i invest too many emotions and delude myself? but just because my reality differs from that of others does not make it any less real to me, it was real to me, i lived it, i felt it. i have lived through so many things and now i'm tired, i've been tired since forever and i want to rest. if i was a record player, this is the point where the music has stopped playing but the vinyl keeps spinning with the needle carving tracks in the middle. don't they know it's the end of the world? the needle is hurting me and the longer i let it go on, the more it'll hurt. still i can't pick it up and put it to the side myself, i need someone to do it for me. it's like i was waiting for a new song to start playing somehow, as if the record would invert on itself and play something i'd never heard before. i think i must have heard all of the songs already.